Jack Sparrow's Compass

You never think things are going to change. It's not that you're inept or unaware of the way the world works. When you're caught up in the moment you're not thinking of when it's all going to go south.

 

                                      

We never thought the band would change or that the music would change. If anything in the back of our minds we thought we'd all drift apart before our foundation fell out from underneath us. That the music would always be there. I think that's why we're sadden and embittered by the decline - the heart fell out of the music. And we feel betrayed by the uncouth treatment of the organization we came to love. We were unceremoniously laid off without severance. We stand in the parking lot in disbelief holding cardboard boxes filled with our remnants and mementos. No gold watch, no speech, no thank yous for years of loyal service and dedication, just a swift kick in the ass to make room for the younger recruits who will do more for less.

We were a family. What's more, we are a family still. The dissemination of the inspiration for our meeting doesn't negate our experiences. And what an amazing ride it's been. For 11 years this family has been my world. The experience of following a band around the country, meeting people from the internet and forging the strong bonds we have is not something most people understand. We've all had to defend our choices and endure strange looks. It's not something that can be rightly explained. We all eventually came to not care what others thought. This was our way, these were our friends, and we'll see you on the beach in Mexico. And now the ride is over. Our season passes expired. We're still milling around the parking lot with our boxes and wondering what the next step is. What is the next adventure? Where are we all headed? Are we going there together or will we meet up at the reunion?

I put my box in the car and headed into the sunset, destination known. Yet as I sit here in the city I have longed to call home, I find that I am without an identity. Lost. I've been this late night, dive bar, local band, built in camaraderie, Arizona resident for so long and now the page is clear.What will the next chapter be? There's an outline but what will I fill it in with? What will be the meat of my experience? What will the rhythm and atmosphere be? Who am I now?  It's like I'm the teenager I never was trying on different guises of my personality to see which one stands out the strongest, spinning into different directions, starting off and stopping...what new niche do I belong to? Beach bunny? Bohemian artist? Hollywood socialite? Trend setting combination of all of the above and more? I thought I'd know by now. Really, I never thought I'd have this quandary to begin with, but I don't know. For the first time in my life, I don't know. It's frustrating, exciting, maddening, exhausting, trying, infuriating, inspiring, irritating, exasperating, bewildering, daunting, frightening, challenging, adventurous and anxiety inducing.

The reality is I'm trying to watch the pot boil. Right now I feel like a man without a country and before long I'll turn around and find my passport stamped. I stand here with Jack Sparrow's compass concentrating on what I want most and trusting it will show me the way. I just hope there's enough rum.

The Nature of Existence

Why are we here, and what are we supposed to do about it? What started the Universe, and was it a mistake? Does God exist, and why does he seem so interested in our sex lives? After exploring the phenomenon of Trekkies, filmmaker Roger Nygard took on The Nature of Existence. Nygard wrote down the toughest 85 questions he could think of, roamed the globe to the source of each of the world’s philosophies, religions, and belief systems, and interviewed people who have influenced, inspired, or freaked out humanity. Combining an investigative approach with a spiritual quest, the film is a humorous yet uplifting search for enlightenment, presenting some of the most challenging ideas and extraordinary people living today.

Trailer

Is there such a thing as an ex-atheist?

"There are many very sincere questioners. Some folks are quite torn up about it, so unsure are they that it becomes a source of extreme anxiety for them. Many were terrified of atheism thinking that if they admitted they didn’t believe, even admitted they doubted, they’d suddenly turn into serial killers. They hadn’t figured out that ethics and morality are already here” and if there was no god, then clearly you didn’t need one to tell you how to behave. When one stops believing, one realizes that instead of an emptiness, a feeling of something missing, they discover a fantastic sense of calm, like stepping out of a stuffy bar into a beautiful spring day. It feels like the cage is gone, the blinders are gone. Instead, though, we find that people don’t like atheism. It scares them, because it challenges what they have been told is their core reason for being. So, they heap all sorts of negative traits onto atheism.

It’s important to challenge this perspective, to change the way atheists are viewed. Most atheists, just like most theists, are good people. We need to make sure the world knows that."

Link

Who Wrote Holden Caulfield?

A thought burst in my head
And I need to tell you
It's news that I forethought
Was it just a dream
That happened long ago?
I think I just forgot

Well it hasn't been the first time
And it sure does drive me mad

That's when I say there's a boy who fogs his world and now he's getting lazy
There's no motivation and frustration makes him crazy
He makes a plan to take a stand but always ends up sitting
Someone help him up or he is gonna end up quitting

I shuffle through my mind
To see if I can find
The words I left behind
Was it just a dream
That happened long ago?
Oh well...
Never mind

Well it hasn't been the first time
And it sure does drive me mad

That's when I say there's a boy who fogs his world and now he's getting lazy
There's no motivation and frustration makes him crazy
He makes a plan to take a stand but always ends up sitting.
Someone help him up or he is gonna end up quitting...

Who Wrote Holden Caulfield? - Green Day

Reflections

I think the cake caught up with me today.

I had cake for breakfast, cake and salad for lunch, and cake and rum for dinner. Two cocktails at the bar tonight while kicking some karaoke in the face. My tum is unhappy. I can't say I'm too surprised.

I had a great conversation with a dear friend of mine this evening. He called to tell me he got on a mainstage Harold team at IO in Hollywood, something he's been working toward for years now. We haven't talked in months so he asked me what was new and was hoping for good news. I realized that I had nothing good to say beyond the fact that I'm not dead. That's a good thing. I'm out of work, broke, painfully single, no longer have the social life I once did, bills are stacking up, no job prospects...really, all I have at the moment is my health, my cat, and a place to live.

We talked about relationships. He had just ended one and we talked about people and expectations and attitudes. He reminded me that people are very perceptive creatures and if you're walking around burdened by the wonky things in your life people are going to pick up on that. That does not exude confidence. And it's something most people don't usually realize they're doing.

I care too much what people think. I take things far too personally. I put all my eggs in one basket. I put too much stress on myself in potential relationships and most auditions; the things that are important to me. He told me you can't care. It doesn't matter what any one person thinks of you. If you lay your heart on the line to someone and they leave you hanging without an answer then to hell with them. So what? No one person is the be all, end all. You can't let that persons actions effect you. You can't let it hang over your head as I am want to do. I can't carry it with me.

He said people are just people. You ex isn't your ex, they're just a person. People can only take from you what you give away. Don't give them your power. It's something I knew I was doing I just didn't realize how. I treat past situations with far more gravity than they warrant. Some may call it being overdramatic, he calls it being passionate. He said I am a passionate lover who just wants to fall in love with someone and love them with everything I have. He's right. I let that stress me out. I become anxious and paranoid and lose my confidence. I let it mean all too much. And I usually don't make men earn it. I'm so eager to have that love and that relationship I have always wanted that I rush through things and don't make them earn it.

Alas, the older I get the more anxious I feel about being single. I don't think I would be as anxious if I was actually going on dates and had interest from interesting men. But I don't. Most of my friends are in relationships, and married and kids and blah blah blah. And I would much rather be single than be in the wrong relationship. It was very comforting for another single person to tell me that it's OK to not be concerned with being single and to just live life and work on yourself and fuck it. It will happen when it happens. It makes all the difference to hear that from someone who is in the same boat as you. From the relationship sect is just comes across as patronizing.

I'm not at my best at the moment. I'm depressed because I'm not doing what I want to with my life and I don't know how to get it. I don't know where I belong or what I should be doing. I don't know where to live. And I don't know how to figure it out. This is probably not a good time to get involved in a relationship.

I have a lot to think about now. How I think about my exes, about the decisions I've made, about my outlook on life, how I approach things, the company I keep, the things I want. I think there's an overhaul in my future. I feel like holing up in my new place and not leaving. Not unlike a caterpillar going into its cocoon. Cliches are cliches for a reason. I knew before I moved that something needed to change. That everything needed to change. It's time to become the person I've always wanted to be. The person I have projected to the world but never really lived up to on the inside. It's time to figure some shit out.