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Phaedre and Being Topless on Stage

That is correct. N2T announced auditions for Phaedre, director Damon Dearing's adaptation of the Greek play, and I will be going out for the part of Ismene who also doubles as Aphrodite. I auditioned for this play last year and would have gotten the part had I not been going to Vegas. Needless to say the lesson has been learned and I will have zero conflicts ever again.

Getting this part means being topless on stage. I am down with this because in this case it's art. It's not some gratuitous love scene or something sketchy: it's the Goddess of Love. I really like this part, as being the side kick is always more fun than the lead, and I would love the chance to be topless in a tasteful way on stage. I can also safely say that if I get cast the show will immediately sell out. I have a huge chest. You know you saw it coming.

I've got my sides and my audition date on the 10th all lined up. I am going to kill this part. I love the language and I am chomping at the bit to finally work with N2T. And to get to the gym to work out like a mofo.

The Play About The Naked Guy

Got a callback for this badboy TONIGHT. Dig it. It's a really fun play with a bunch of fags and a gay porn star. My character is pregnant which is fun in and of itself. It's a Stray Cat production with the director from Nearly Naked at the helm. I'm going over my sides now.


I read my post there about being bummed after that last show I didn't get cast in. Man, I need to lighten up. It's not like I'm ever going to STOP auditioning. Plays and movies end and then it's on to the next one. It's not like interviewing for a job you hope to have for five years, unless it's a sitcom and even then shows get canceled. Yeah, it gets frustrating to get so close and then not get the part but man, that's how it goes. You're not going to get every part you go out for. I have done a far better job regulating my emotional investment in auditions and I have realized I need to scale it back even more. Good. I like this. This is where I need to be. I have friends in LA who go on a couple of auditions a DAY, you think they have time to get all up in arms about ONE gig? No! Suck it up, man!

Tough love on myself. That sound perverted. Nice.

Loco Locals Climb 2010 - Kicking Cancer's Ass VI

It's time again for us to band together and bank up some good karma for 2010 - For the sixth year running, the Loco Locals will be climbing South Mountain to KICK CANCER'S ASS!

Climb To Conquer Cancer
Saturday, February 27, 2010

Walk with us if you can, or please donate if you cannot walk. So many of us have been personally affected by cancer, and we'll keep walking until we have a cure.

The all important t-shirt deadline is January 28, 2010, so expect me to be hounding you until at least 10 of you sign up.

Join, Donate, or Get Out of the Way!

And so it goes.

And another rejection email. No part for me in the farce. I did the best job I could do and I can't do no more. It's just getting to the point where I wonder if my best will ever be good enough. I have yet to be cast in a play since moving back here 2 years ago. Another $10 wasted on yet another play to add to my bookshelf that I'll likely never read again. Meanwhile all anyone in this valley seems to want to do is musicals and I don't sing. It's getting tiring to not have any payoff here. At least I'm getting called back? Someday I'll get cast again? I really needed a win, man. I just keep getting handed strikes. The tide's gotta change, right? Right?

Who's looking for new music?

I rock Creamy Radio online while I'm at work. I keep a running list of songs I like on my Yahoo Notes. I'd like to share my list with you and suggest you dig on some of these tunes. Go to www.creamyradio.com and request them to check 'em out.

In convenient Excel spread sheet, alphabetized form. Artist, Song Title, Album.

Alien Ant Farm - Glow -truANT
Amelia - Better Than Sleeping Alone - After All
Anjulie - Boom - Boom
Beck - Jack-Ass - Odelay
Berkly Hart - Across the Rubicon - Twelve
Better Than Ezra - Extra Ordinary - Closer
Better Than Ezra - Get You In - Closer
Better Than Ezra - Misunderstood - Closer
Better Than Ezra - Recognize - Closer
Blind Mellon - Tones of Home - Blind Mellon
Butch Walker - My Way - Left of Self-Centered
Butterfly Boucher - Life is Short - Flutterby
Charlie Mars - One Horse Town - One Horse Town
Chris Robinson & the New Earth Mud - If You See California - This Magnificent Distance
Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter - O
Danielle Howle and the Tantrums - Sneaky AM - Skorborealis
Del Amitri - It's Never Too Late to Be Alone - Twisted
Dispatch - General - Bang Bang
Don DiLego - California - The Lonesome Hitchhiker Volume 1
Fruit Bats - Born in the 70s - Spelled in Bones
Hello Dave - West - Golden
Homie - American Girls - Meet the Deedles Soundtrack
Hootie and the Blowfish - Time - Cracked Rear View
Jackie Green - So Hard To Find My Way - American Myth
Jed's a Millionaire - Gotta Believe - Kachina Theater
Jeff Finlin - Sugar Blue - Elizabethtown Soundtrack
Jurassic 5 - Concrete and Clay - Improvise
Kacey Chambers - Freight Train - The Captain
Kings of Leon - Day Old Blues - Aha Shake Heartbreak
Laura Sawasko - Last Brave One - Piecing it together
Limbeck - Silver Things - Hey, Everything's Fine
Locksley - Why Not Me - Don't Make Me Wait
Los Lonley Boys - Hollywood - Live at the Fillmore
Love Me Nots - Love What I Got -Upsidedown Insideout
Love Seed Mama Jump - Peace Frog - Drunk at the Stone Balloon
Matt Nathanson - Angel - Beneath These fireworks
Matt Nathanson - Suspended - Beneath These Fireworks
MiGGs - Perfect - Insomnia
Mike Doughty - (I Keep On)Rising Up - Sad Man Happy Man
Mike Dougty - Ways and Means - Rockity Roll
Nick Dastardly and the Escape Artists - The Sleeping Giant Walks Tonight - Let Go of My Bruised Wing
Nini Camps - I Saw Love - Driving You Out
Norah Jones - Be Here To Love Me - Feels Like Home
Oasis - Wonderwall
Pearl Jam - Come Back - Pearl Jam
Pearl Jam - Just Breathe - Backspacer
Pearl Jam - Yellow Ledbetter - Lost Dogs
Rachael Yamagata - Over and Over - Elephants...Teeth Sinking Into Heart
Ray LaMontagne - You Are the Best Thing - Gossip in the Grain
Red Wanting Blue - Your Alibi - Pride-The Cold Lover
Remedy Motel - Giving Ground - Remedy Motel
Remy Zero - Over the Rails & Hollywood High - The Golden Hum
Sam Champion - Texas Song - Slow Rewind
Sam Champion - You Can't See the Stars in This Town - Slow Rewind
Shawn Mullins - Blue As You - 9th Ward Pickin' Parlor
Sister Hazel - Walls and Cannonballs - Release
Teddy Thompson - Altered State - Separate Ways
The Allman Brothers - Jessica - Brothers and Sisters
The Autumn Defense - This Will Fall Away - The Autumn Defense
The Bradbury Press - The Bouncing Ball - Hanscom
The Clarks - Better Off Without You - Still Live
The Dissipated 8 - Diamonds on the soles of her shoes - Eighps
The Fratellis - Costello Music - Creepin' up the Backstairs
The Freddy Jones Band - Mystic Buzz - Lucis
The New Pornographers - My Rights Vs. Yours - Challenges
The Pierces - Boring - Thirteen Tales of Love and Revenge
The Rugburns - Mama - Taking The World By Donkey
The Wallflowers - The Difference - Bringing Down the Horse
Train - All Anerican Girl - My Private Nation
Treble Charger - Brand New Low - Wide Awake Bored
Tristan Prettyman - Smoke - Twentythree
Zee Avi - Darling - Zee Avi
Zubia Brothers - Hotel Defeated - Voices on the Street


Much love to the boys at Creamy for whom without I would not be fans of some of my favorite bands.

Auditions galore!

So I went on two auditions simultaneously a few weeks ago, both for iTheater Collaborative in Phoenix. I was called back for Indivisible but not The Play About the Baby and ultimately not cast. Boo. But that's OK because the show goes up the same time that Nearly Naked Theater's Phaedra goes up and I'm gunning for a part in that.

I went on an audition for Unnecessary Farce with Desert Foothills Theater last night. That was a trek to get there. Way the hell up north, about an hour away. It's a great comedy and that's what I'm good at. I rocked the reading for both parts and the director called me this afternoon to tell me she thought I was wonderful and ask me to callbacks tomorrow night. Sweet. I have a feeling I'll get cast because I nailed it and because it's so damn far away. It's how I roll.

Then everyone can come and see me and laugh and I can hopefully get cast in some more shows in this damn town. More comedies, please!

Sylvia

Tempe Little Theatre is holding auditions tomorrow night for Sylvia by A.R. Gurney. It goes like this:

"Middle age Greg finds precious Sylvia (a dog, played by a human) in the park and immediately takes a liking to her. He brings her back to the empty nest he shares with Kate.

When Kate gets home, she reacts very negatively to Sylvia and wants her gone. They eventually decide that Sylvia will stay for a few days before they decide whether she can stay longer.

Over the next few days, Greg spends more and more time with Sylvia, and less time at his job. Already dissatisfied with his job, he now has another reason to avoid work.

Tension increases between Greg and Kate, who still does not like Sylvia at all. Eventually, Greg becomes completely obsessed with Sylvia, and Kate fears their marriage is falling apart. Greg finally realizes what is happening, and decides to give Sylvia to another family.

At the last minute, Kate has a change of heart and decides that Sylvia can stay with them permanently. Greg and Kate resolve their differences, Greg finds a job he likes better, and they live happily ever after."


I can dig this. This is my kind of play: comedy. I need to make a trip to the Scottsdale Library and check out their copy, but I feel I could make a mighty fine bitch. =)

In Stray Cat Theater’s Blackbird, David Vining Inspires Sympathy

Phoenix New Times review.

"David Vining is many things: theater director, dialect coach, university professor. In Stray Cat Theater's new production of Blackbird, Vining reminds us that he's also a fine actor. His rather estimable job in this one-act...is to create sympathy for a 60-ish man who, some years earlier, had an affair with a minor. Harrower has fashioned a long, curvy conversation that begins as an indictment and wends its way through every human emotion, winding up finally as a peculiar (and rather stunning) reminiscence between two injured people. In his presentation of a sad sack Everyman, Vining does the unthinkable: He allows us to sympathize with — but never feel sorry for — a fellow who made a single terrible mistake. It's a difficult distinction to bring to the stage, yet Vining...does so with subtle turns of phrase and body language as he swings between cowering passivity and towering rage."
- Robrt L Pela, Phoenix New Times

Review: 'Blackbird' doesn't flinch

Review: 'Blackbird' doesn't flinch

Shared via AddThis

Thanks to all who came out last weekend and helped make BLACKBIRD our highest attended opening weekend EVER. The first reviews are in and critics are purring...

Only two weekends left so make sure you catch the "bird" before it flies away for good. Don't let this be the one that got away!

Remember, Thursday is $10 student night.

The First Review Is In!

5 stars out of 5 from Chris Curcio, KBAQ radio!


SUPERLATIVE “BLACKBIRD” PRODUCTION OPENS STRAY CAT SEASON

”BLACKBIRD”

Stray Cat Theatre, Tempe Performing Arts Center

Tempe, AZ

Leave it to our smaller theaters to bring interesting plays to town when the major companies ignore these works. Stray Cat Theatre opens its season with the local premiere of an acclaimed English play, “Blackbird,” by David Harrower. The production is a winner although it won’t appeal to all theatergoers due to the play’s controversial theme.

“Blackbird” is based on a real situation. Ray seduced Una, a 12-year-old girl, and was imprisoned. After his jail time, Ray begins to right his life. Many years later, Una, now a troubled adult, shows up unannounced at Ray’s work to confront him about their past.

At first, your hate is directed at Ray but as the 80-minute, one-act play evolves, the fast moving and revelatory script shifts and changes as your disgust moves back and forth between the pair. At the end, the playwright never answers for you who are at fault; that’s your decision. Was it Ray, the then middle-aged guy enraptured with Una, or was it the flirty and sexually mature girl who longed for a trusting relationship? Una hoped the intimacy would provide the love and trust she never got from her parents.

It’s a fascinating dialogue and Harrower is adept at shifting the audience hatred as mistrust between Ray and Una provides insightful details about the relationship. Harrower doesn’t answer who suffered most although there is no excuse for a man sexually seducing a girl. Una’s attack on Ray is traumatic, though, and opens the question of her stability both before and after the liaison.

Ron May’s superlative production provides a better interpretation than a previous production I saw. With his designer, he’s crafted a cramped, confining, and inhospitable break room that is ideal for the confrontation. His cast is wonderful in the two roles.

His cast both approaches their roles with a natural hesitancy since the pair would be tentative in such an awkward confrontation. There’s much realistic chatter but also genuine emotional outbursts at key moments during the strained meeting. David Vining’s Ray is just right. Initially he’s ashamed and remorseful but as Una attacks, he grows more confrontational and physical in his reaction to her. Nina Miller’s Una is no less flawless. At first, she’s hesitant, slow to place the burden on Ray, but ultimately she releases a stream of hatred and fears caused by Ray’s action. As the issues haunt her, her life is influenced. Miller evolves from a shy flower to a dominant champion of placing the blame as she sees it.

“Blackbird” is an uncomfortable experience but the story is fascinating and timely. “Blackbird” continues through October 10. For tickets, call the Stray Cat Theatre box office at 480-820-8022 or order online at www.straycattheatre.org.

Grade: A

The Face of Foothills Model Search

My delicious, brilliant and hysterical friend Daynalyn Wain is one of the top 50 finalists for the Face of Foothills Model Search for Arizona Foothills magazine! The winning model, who encompasses the style, substance and sophistication of the luxury publication, will serve as the Face of Foothills through December 31, 2010. Please help me help her get to and stay in the top 10. Voting is unlimited and goes to 10/22, so vote often!

VOTE HERE



She loves Eddie Izzard. Need I say more?

Stray Cat Theatre presents: Blackbird

I have a wee part in a fantastic play opening on 9/25!



BLACKBIRD by David Harrower
Directed by Ron May
Presented by Stray Cat Theatre

He went to jail. She went home.

One of the more talked-about and controversial plays of the past decade, David Harrower's Blackbird has been featured on many American and London critics' top 10 lists and received the 2007 Olivier Award for Best New Play. Based on a true story, this powerful, volatile piece begins when Una shows up unexpectedly at the office of Ray, forcing Ray to come to terms with the effects of their past relationship. Una pulls him into a brutal encounter that is gripping, surprising and utterly unforgettable. How better to kick off a season Stray Cat style than with a pull-no-punches evening of theatre you aren't soon to forget? **Please Note -- This production contains strong adult content.
Performances:
September 25 - October 10
Thu-Fri-Sat @ 8PM Sun @ 2PM

Regular Price:
$20/Adults
$15/Students
$15/Seniors
$15/Military

Thursdays:
Always $10 Student Night
(valid ID Required)

Sundays:
$12 for Everyone

132 E. 6th Avenue
Tempe, AZ 85281

BONUS!
Catch Blackbird at a discount: 2-4-1 tickets to any performance Opening Weekend ONLY.
Use online Coupon Code BBOP241.


Come for a night of intense theatre, stay for my melodious voice and traffic-stopping silhouette. :D

The Little Dog Laughed

I auditioned for this play Tuesday night, for Nearly Naked Theatre. It's written by Douglas Carter Beane, the cat who wrote To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar and is quite the wicked comedy. It's about a Hollywood actor named Mitchell who is gay and his agent who is trying to keep him in the closet. Mitchell is nailing this gay prostitute who is also sleeping with a woman. Hilarity ensues!

This was one of the rare occasions where I didn't get a chance to read the play beforehand. The director handed me a monologue and scene for the girlfriend part and I scurried off to a corner to look them over. I preformed the monologue first and got some great laughs. The director then asked me to pair up with one of the guys for the two person scene. Not everyone made it this far after their first performance.

We read over the scene a few times and then we were up. Now, this audition was set up where we were all in the room together at the same time. I hate these kinds of auditions. Normally I don't want to watch anyone else do the scene I'm about to do. This time, though, it worked to my advantage. I watched two couples do this scene and they were both different. So I took some cues from both of them and then added my own spin. I garnered some major rager laughs and felt so at ease and natural up there. It was also helpful to have all those other actors in the room as an audience to play off of.

I felt on top of the world when I left that audition. I felt I really nailed it, I made them laugh, I felt good about the choices I made, and that I made my audition quite memorable. It also helped that I didn't have much emotion invested in it. I found out about the audition two days before and could only get a hold of a synopsis and the first two pages. If I don't get cast of course I'll be bummed but I am really proud of the performance I gave at the audition and that makes it all worth it.

The director is waiting until next week to cast this show as their current show, RENT, closes this weekend and he's concentrating on that. There may or may not be callbacks, he hasn't decided. I'm ready for anything!

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

an offer you can totally refuse
hey lovely.
so here's the thing...
i know you've read 'blackbird'.
so i know you know there are a few bit parts in there (office people who walk past the clouded window and at the end, the woman's voice - ray's new squeeze).
i have a guy.
i need a lovely lady.
the commitment would only be a few rehearsals, tech week and obviously the run of the show.
i know it's far from the most glamorous option ever, but for something like this - since it's so vital to the show - i need someone i know i can trust.
lemme know whatcha think.
i'll keep my fingers crossed :)
hope all is well.
- r

And so, I will be joining the cast of Blackbird with the one and only Stray Cat Theatre. Being on stage is always better than not being on stage. I will once again get to spend time under the direction of one of my favorite directors, meet some new people, and bust back into the scene here in the desert. Perhaps I will learn a thing or two about dramatic acting. Show runs end of September through begining of October. More details to come!

Who Wrote Holden Caulfield?

A thought burst in my head
And I need to tell you
It's news that I forethought
Was it just a dream
That happened long ago?
I think I just forgot

Well it hasn't been the first time
And it sure does drive me mad

That's when I say there's a boy who fogs his world and now he's getting lazy
There's no motivation and frustration makes him crazy
He makes a plan to take a stand but always ends up sitting
Someone help him up or he is gonna end up quitting

I shuffle through my mind
To see if I can find
The words I left behind
Was it just a dream
That happened long ago?
Oh well...
Never mind

Well it hasn't been the first time
And it sure does drive me mad

That's when I say there's a boy who fogs his world and now he's getting lazy
There's no motivation and frustration makes him crazy
He makes a plan to take a stand but always ends up sitting.
Someone help him up or he is gonna end up quitting...

Who Wrote Holden Caulfield? - Green Day

On the Fringe

I whipped together this sweet scarf last night and finished it this morning.


Dig it.

I'm going to make a few more in different colors. They're gonna be rad!

I also finally made my Tooth Fairy Pillow.

Modeled after my very own Tooth Fairy Pillow as a child, I jazzed it up with some sparklies.

I have a lot more pillow and scarf ideas bouncing around in my head, eager to be made. I'll be setting up my Etsy site where all my creations will be available for sale so stay tuned. Cold weather is on the horizon, people. Get ready!

Green Day Rocks My World Again

Maggie and I saw Green Day at the Mandalay Bay event center. We had VIP tickets which put us closest to the floor, with seats, behind the railing, for an unobstructed view.

It was an unbelievably incredible show. If you've never seen them live you are missing out. The wall behind them was a video screen that was perfectly coordinated with every song, everything they did. Billie Joe is a madman energizer bunny running back and forth across the stage. He came out into the stands with his guitar and put it on a kid and played it. Got an 8 year old boy up there who knew all the words to Longview, and a girl who played guitar for St. Jimmy. That lucky bitch. They were forehead to forehead singing into the same mic, and then he sat in front of her with his head on her knee while he sang. She had to sit on the amp down front because his guitar strap wouldn't shorten up enough for her to play standing. I was so jealous. Made me want to learn to play the guitar.

They played Shout and all laid down on the stage and put in snippets of other songs like Iron Man, Free Fallin', Satisfaction, and that was a lot of fun. They played almost every song off the new album, not in order. They also played:

When I Come Around
She
Longview
Basketcase
King For a Day
Hitching a Ride
Welcome to Paradise
Minority
Blvd of Broken Dreams
Brainstew
Holiday
Then he asked who in the audience was an old school Green Day fan and they played Going to Pasalacqua, one of my favorite songs off their first album. I almost lost my mind. The encore was American Idiot, Jesus of Suburbia and then the rest of the band left the stage, and Billie and his acoustic made their way to the end of the platform. He played the love song off the new album called Last Night on Earth. It gave me chills. It was so sweet and wonderful and heartfelt and to watch him in the spotlight with just the acoustic was so touching. His wife is a lucky, lucky woman. He ended with Time of Your Life, held up his guitar and then left the stage. It was so wonderful.

My other favorite events of the evening were when he mooned the audience and later lifted his shirt up and just stood there. I could still see most of his ass hanging out the back of his pants. The only thing keeping them on was...Christ, I almost exploded. I also loved when he told everyone to put their cell phones and cameras away, that these were our memories and to live in the moment. God, I loved that. I'm always stressed about whether or not to bring a camera because I'm so anxious about documenting and remembering big events like this. Fuck it. I have everything I need in my head and pictures would never do my experience justice. I didn't want to worry about taking pictures so I didn't bring my camera in.

I've seen Green Day in concert 5 times now and they just keep getting better. The theatrics, the pyrotechnics, and the showmanship are simply outstanding. A 3 hour show with just about every song I could want to hear and an unobstructed view. I am so in love with this band and with that man. I'm sitting here with a glazed over dreamy look on my face just remembering the night. The cute guy who asked me if he could hold my hand on the way to the show started the show off with a bang, too. I'm spent.

Blackbird

Went on an audition this morning for one of my favorite theatre groups, Stray Cat Theatre.

A great dramatic play called Blackbird. I bought the play a few weeks ago so I'd have time to get to the bottom of it. It's a heavy number with only two characters and it's written in a very specific and dynamic meter.

Drama isn't my strong suit. I'm a comedienne. Doesn't mean I can't do drama it's just not my preference and not what I do best. Not yet, anyway. I would actually really like to get this part as it would force me to branch out into unknown territory and grow. It also scares the crap out of me and makes me uncomfortable. Acting is one of the only mediums where you can be wholly uncomfortable in a safe and comfortable setting.

It never ceases to amaze me how we put in all this time and effort studying a play, a part, a character, all for three minutes in front of the director. Sometimes that's all there is. You know this play, this story, these relationships inside and out and you don't get the part. It's such a mad crazy thing. Only for love do we do these things.

Callback? We'll see. Another audition down, another one on the horizon.

Are you really ready for some football?

I mean, really? No foolies?

I'm thinking about supporting the Buccaneers because I love pirates. Until LA gets a team again I ain't got nothin'. I feel no aligiance to any Arizona team in any sport so I'm not picking the Cardinals. I asked my dad which team he was a fan of. "They all suck." He's a man of few words. Even when it comes to college ball I don't think my dad cares who's playing, he just likes to watch. He's a Nordhoff Ranger fan: our high school alma mater. If UCSB had a football team he might go with them since I'm an alumni but even that's doubtful.

So far the Bucs are my front runners, and rum runners, simply because pirates rule.

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawling down the avenue
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love

Make You Feel My Love - Adele
(written by Bob Dylan)

And so it goes

It's 2:40 am but I don't want to go to bed.

So much going through my mind. When I think back about what I have to thank for my state of mind it all comes back to the drugs. Thank God for drugs. Sometimes you just need a little help. There's nothing wrong with that and fuck anyone who says otherwise. Fuck them and their poor, normal lives.

I've spent a lot of this week drunk. I didn't plan for it to be that way. It's just one of those weeks. Karaoke on Monday night turned into an unexpected drunkfest. I met a hot young thing at Last Exit and then a severly hot former lover walked in and flirted with me for an hour and then a hot possibly soon-to-be-lover walked in. When it rains it pours, and I've been living in a drought. My heart is aching for something just out of reach.

Tuesday was a "date" with the hot-young-thang. Little boys are still really into bar hopping. Why leave the bar we're already at? It's a brewry for chrissake. Jesus. He just knows nothing about anything and by anything I mean life and I don't feel like spending my time playing teacher.

Wednesday I spent with a former lover of mine drinking cerveza, enoying the pool, and watching some fantastic Showtime shows. Alas, this evening left me wanting. I think Thursday was a dry day and, funny enough, a day when I most needed a drink. Today found me at happy hour at Four Peaks with some good friends and some wicked strong beer on an empty stomach. Also cameos by both my ex boyfriends. Exactly. I spent the rest of the evening drinking my cousin Ryan's wine with Jodi and Jason and then capped off my night at Last Exit with a SoCo and Cran. I didn't want to leave the bar either but I had no right spending any money there at all. I just thought I would pop in and see what a Friday night is like there now that the ownership has changed. Yeah, not that good. Sometimes you just don't want the night to end. In my case it was not wanting to go back to my empty apartment I've been holed up in because it's too fucking hot to go outside.

I don't want to sleep until one but I have nothing to get up for. My room is a stye, my heart is bruised, and my wallet is empty. Ain't life grand.

Broke, Not Broken

Stumblin' round this sweet little town
Town that's killin' me
Landlord's been by, I'm tellin' him lies
He don't wanna let us be
Let us be

Winter's comin'
Everything costs a lot more than we're makin'
Live on lovin'
Nothin' is sure for a life so back breakin'
Chimney smokin'
Sleep by the fire if you're with me then we'll be
Broke, not broken

Money it seems
Don't worry me
Til it all is gone
People are mean
When you're living lean
But we manage to get along

Winter's comin'
Everything costs a lot more than we're makin'
Live on lovin'
Nothin' is sure for a life so back breakin'
Chimney smokin'
We'll join a cult just to save up some money
Broke, not broken

Winter's comin'
Everything costs a lot more than we're makin'
Live on lovin'
Nothin' is sure for a life so back breakin'
Chimney smokin'
Out of the fire the voices'll tell me
Broke, not broken

Broke, Not Broken - The Mother Truckers

So I was arrested yesterday.

Yeah. Good times.

Nick and I are on our way to Paul & Janene's when I get pulled over for speeding. I do 75 at all times so this doesn't surprise me. What does surprise me is when the cop asks me to exit my vehicle and begins handcuffing me.

Awesome.

Won't even tell me what the fuck is going on until he's done cuffing me. Apparently I had a warrent out for my arrest regarding a missed court date for a traffic ticket. My court date must have coinsided with getting laid off and that's why I spaced it. Stellar.

So I'm cuffed and frisked by the side of the fucking freeway. Not embarassing at all. I'm put in the back of the squad car. This is when I realize how claustrophobic it is back there, especially with my hands behind my back, and try hard not to freak out. The cop brings me my cell phone so I can call someone to come pick up my car, which is almost out of gas, and, oh yeah, my passenger is legally blind. He cuffs my hands in front of me and while doing so says something about me not trying to escape while he does so. I'm like yeah, right. I'm in heels, on gravel, by the side of the fucking freeway, probably gonna run off somewhere. So I call Jodi, praying to God she and Jason are home, and thankfully they are. Nothing like your friends seeing you in cuffs.

Then I have to wait in the car for some Tempe cop to come get me to take me to the Tempe jail. Sweet. It's not hot or anything. And with my hands cuffed behind my back I am incabable of wiping my forehead off so sweat is dripping into my eyes, stinging and blinding me. Awesome. The cop finally shows up and apparently needs to frisk me as well, all by the side of the fucking freeway. "Is there anything in your bra?" "Just me." Outstanding. We get to the jail and they feel the need to frisk me yet again. It's a feel-Niki-up free-for-all.

They take my ring, my earrings and my hair tie. Fantastic. They put me in a holding cell. Eventually they bring me out to fingerprint me. Awesome. They don't use ink anymore. I didn't know that. There's a glass pane that scans your prints. This whole time I'm honestly finding this whole experience fancinating. I'm thinking, so this is what it's like to be arrested. Sweet. This is what it's like to be handcuffed. (In a non-sexual way). There go my fucking plans to rob a bank. Fuck! Now that they have my prints that solution to my debt problem is out the window. Great. After the fingerprinting they hand me a blanket and are ready to take me back to the holding cell, intending to keep me overnight. I don't think so. I explain to them that the cop said my fine was $350 and that I could pay that and leave. They say to me, well you didn't tell us that. Oh, excuse me! I don't do this every fucking day. I'm kinda new here. I foolishly assumed that you cops fucking talked to each other and told each other this pertinent fucking shit. So yeah, FYI, I was told I could pay the fucking bail and be on my merry way. So they put me back in the holding cell while they sort themselves out. Meanwhile I'm in there with some poor girl who needed two grand to get out otherwise she's there till Tuesday (not the band) and gets fired from her job. I had heard her on the phone with her family earlier and thanked God I wasn't her.

They ran my credit card, put me in yet another holding cell, and eventually gave me back my shit, and I was free to leave. All in all, the whole ordeal took about three hours. I called Jodi to come pick my ass up, broke the news to my adoring parents, since their credit card saved the day, got a chuckle from Chuck, my good friend the cop in Santa Barbara, and a call back from my BFF Mitch: "Jailbird!".

Jodi and I proceeded to Macayos where I drank the largest forzen margarita they could make, and then continued my inebriation with Vigo at Gordon Biersch (two Mojitos), Fat Tuesdays (Pirates Pleasure), and Bison Witches (three Skyy Citrus and tonics). I settled the evening with a Lumberjack Slam at Denny's and now I have a sleepy Jameson at my feet on my coffee table.

It's good to be on the outside again. I almost forgot what freedom was like. Does the air still smell as clean? Is the Pacific still as blue? Things have changed since I've been in the clink. I hope I can readjust to the outside world.

*Auntie "Jailbird" Niki

Crafty Bitch

I almost lost my mind with creativity today.

OH the ideas!!

I already make fantastic scarves and Bracelet Purses and have them up at Scarving For Attention while I set up my Etsy site. Be sure to check 'em all out.



I'm knitting all summer and stockpiling so I can have a huge batch of awesome ready for sale come Fall. Lemme know if there's a color you're interested in and I will whip it up. More styles of Bracelet Purses on the horizon as well. It's madness!! The scarf below is Corinthian.



Tonight I picked up the bits and pieces to make my Tooth Fairy pillows! I had the greatest Tooh Fairy pillow growing up. It was dark green velvet and had a little pocket on the front, trimmed in lace, and it hung from a ribbon around my bedroom doorknob. I'm making new ones and they are going to rule! All the moms are going to want one for their kids.

So many more things I want to make...jewewlry, magnets, drinkware, aprons, coasters, drink koozies, wine glass charms. And that's just the tip of the creative iceberg. If I were a rich woman, or even an employed woman, I would rush out to Michaels or JoAnn's and snap up a bunch of supplies, but alas. I must wait. I did have my eye on the sewing machines at Walmart. I know, I know...Walmart. But when you're broke and unemployed you have to shop where you can save the most money and that, my friends, is Walmart. I could bust a sewing maching for under $100 there.

I would also love a dress form. I want to start modifying shirts and dresses and just go crazy with them. I have ideas in my head, I just need the tools to create them with.

I got so many ideas wandering around Stein Mart and Hallmark. If you're looking for inspiration I highly suggest a window shopping trip. Bring your notepad and a pen to jot down your ideas.

Enough chit chat. Time to get craftin'!

Thanks for the ride, Lady!

I'm gonna sound like an asshole but I'm gonna say it anyway.

Get a car.

There is simply no excuse for an able bodied person in their late 20s-early 30s to not have a friggen car. None.

And I'm not talking about people that live in NY or San Fran or some place with other viable means of transportation. I mean out here on the west coast where everything is spread out.

How the hell do you get by without having a car? Oh, that's right. You call ME for a ride. I feel like I'm 18 again and got my first car. I had friends asking me if I wanted to go to Ventura and I thought hey, yeah! Cool! They want to hang out with me! And then they said, "Cool! I'll even give you gas money." And my face sank. They didn't want to hang out with me, they wanted a ride into town. At least they offered gas money. I have friends who never offer anything for carting them to and from a venue and act put out when you say, "Hey! Buy me a drink!" It's a sad day when you realize you aren't this persons friend, you're just their ride. They never call to chat or ask you to go to lunch or anything of a friend-like nature. It's only for a ride to a party or a show. Does it make sense to ask someone who lives less than a mile from a venue to drive 20 miles to your house to pick you up to go to said venue? I'm going to go with no. What kind of balls does it take for someone to do that? The guise of friendship.

Even giving a ride to help someone out in a tight spot can turn into me suddenly becoming the designated ride giver. Get your car fixed! Fix your priorities! Especially if you live out in BFE. How did me, the unemployed, broke girl become the chauffer? I don't have the money or the gas to drive out to BFE and pick you up. I just don't. One ride turns into a request for three more. Do I have sucker written across my head? Is there honestly no other person you could ask? Because I said yes once, not knowing where I had to drive to, I am now the go-to girl? No. I wouldn't do that to my friends. I wouldn't ask any of my friends more than once. I was being polite and helping you out, don't take advantage of me.

Either get a job close to home or get a fucking car. Seriously. Do you like depending on other people or, heaven forbid, public transportation to get around? I couldn't live without my own car, or being in a city where I didn't need one like DC. I don't like depending on other people and time schedules. I want to go when I want to go. This is the reason that I don't like carpooling unless it's really neccessary. You either get stuck somewhere or have to leave too early. Screw all of that.

I do have some friends who survived heartily without their cars. They took the bus and they sucked it up but they did it while they were saving the money to fix and/or get a car. This was even accomplished in LA by an actor friend of mine. No joke! It's the people who, for no justifiable reason, don't have cars that piss me off. If your car is constantly breaking down, save the money and fucking fix it already. If you're an adult and you'd rather just mooch off your "friends" for rides instead of getting your own car, prepare to lose all of said friends. I am not your transportation service. Suck up some goddamn responsibility and get yourself a fucking car. Be responsible, be independant, be an adult.

It boggles my mind. What the hell is wrong with people?

Tiny Pond

Of the seven agencies I submitted to only three of them are known to be reputable and legitimate. I've heard of them, have friends signed with them, and they were the top agencies when I moved to Tempe six years ago.

Well I have received "Sorry, I already have enough actresses in your category" emails from two of them. The third is the one who wants a hard copy submission. Damn it all. How long do you wait before you submit yourself again? Six months? A year? With only three real agencies to deal with that is one hell of some slim pickins. Do I submit myself to agents in LA knowing I don't have the money to be there right now? And what category is it that they are putting me into anyway? How am I supposed to get anywhere and go on SAG auditions without an agent?

Blarg.

Well Damn

I just checked the Renovation film's website and they had the cast listed with their headshots. Guess I didn't get a part. That blows. Damn. I was looking forward to being a part of that project. No email, no phone call, no nothing. Just never hear back from them again. That's how it goes.

I am bummed. Not devestated by any means, thanks to my attitutde about auditioning. Now I don't have to drive to Yuma, so that's a plus. The girls they cast all kind of look the same so maybe that's what they wanted. Who knows? That's another thing about not getting a part is there is typically never any reasoning or explanation. You're either what they're looking for or you're not. Simple as that. It's just a tad more frustrating when they heaped so much praise on me and then I'm not offered a part.

Damn it all!

And on to the next one.

You're On Your Way

I just applied to six talent/casting agencies in town via email. Look at me go.

One might ask, Niki why did it take you so long to do this? I don't rightly know. Sometimes the stars just have to align. For whatever reason, the time is now. It's not so much that I wonder if I should have done this years ago, but two months ago when I initially got laid off. But as much as I love Back to the Future I can't go back in time. I can only move forward. So there I am.

One more agency needs a hardcopy sumbission so I will have to hit a Walgreens tomorrow and print out a copy of my headshot and then I'll shuttle that off to them.

Feeling good. Feeling productive. I took another step. Let's get this show on the road!

Renovation

A few weekends ago I drove to Yuma, AZ. to audition for a film.

That film is entitled Renovation. It's about a group of house flippers who take on the project of flipping an old hotel that is rumored to have 15 million dollars stashed away in it from an old bank heist. Needless to say, people die.

This was a great day. A fantastic day. A day that solidified my desire to be an actor.

I killed that audition. There were so many factors as to why. A large contributing factor was that I stopped caring. What I mean by that is I didn't treat this audition, and the possibility of being cast, as the be-ll, end-all of my world. That's where you get yourself in trouble. See my earlier post about auditioning for a play I studied for 6 months. I went to this audition to have fun acting. If it's not fun why bother doing it? But I didn't go into thinking this was my only chance in the world to make it as an actor. Hardly. You see people on American Idol do that all the time: "This is my only chance and if I don't get it I'll just die!" No, you won't. And no, it's not your only chance. It's one singing competition. There will always be more. Always. Going into this audition with the attitude of having fun and knowing this is just one more audition and that there are plenty of other movie and plays coming up to go for takes all the pressure off.

After my three hour drive to Yuma I waited about two hours before I read my first scene. I read it naturally and made the director, writer and entourage laugh. The writer said he didn't realize he'd written a comedy. I told him that's what I bring to the show. The director said he was now looking at the whole script in a new light and that he loves that one character in a horror movie who takes the tension out of a scene and makes you laugh. He went on to say I had great instincts and great delivery and that my scene partner and I had read the scene differently than anyone else had. The writer also said that when I came in and sat down and stated my name and where I was from and such to the camera he instantly envisioned The Boss character who runs the local newspaper. He said my voice was very authoritative and I sounded like I could really put someone in their place. I made a mental note of that.

I read for that part as well and I killed that one, too. I walked out of there feeling like a Golden God. I over heard other people reading the same scenes I had read and I felt their readings were so over the top and not believable. I over heard other people waiting to audition talk about things they've done and people they knew and it all re solidified the fact that I really don't like most other actors. I'm not there to impress other would be actors with who I know or where I've been. I'm not there to be pretentious and look down my nose at other people. I'm there to act. People who have never done stage acting don't make the best film actors. They just don't. They don't work as hard because they know they can just do another take. You don't get another take on stage. I'm speaking specifically of one actor I read a scene with at this audition who, sitting five feet away from him, I couldn't hear a word he was saying. He was mumbling and speaking to the floor. Just because you're good looking doesn't mean you can act, sweetie. He went on to complain that this audition was taking too long and that for an indie film with characters it shouldn't' take this long. Well, those are the exact reasons this audition should take that long. This isn't a commercial audition, kid. Those are quick. This is a film with a cast of characters that have to be put together. And you've done what, three local commericals? Get away from me. He even said to me, "Doing film you don't actually have to be good because you can just do another take." What more can I say.

Maybe it was hearing such high praise from people who didn't know me from Adam. Maybe it was just time. Maybe it was both. But driving home from that audition I knew, once and for all, that I can do this. I am good. I am talented. Maybe I never fully believed in myself for so many reasons. Depending too much on support from family and friends that I won't get, naysayers who don't want to see people achieve what they themselves want, or don't want to see anyone happy at all. Taking every audition and every part too seriously will make the rejection echo through your soul. Wanting to be an actor for fame or fortune or to spite your family and prove your acting teachers wrong, these are the wrong reasons to go after it. I think I've had a combination of all of those things for years now. It's all been wiped away and what I'm left with is the pure enjoyment of acting and making people laugh. And I am GOOD at it.

I am perusing acting for the right reasons, the reasons I got on stage in jr. high to begin with: to be the center of attention. Haha! To entertain and make people laugh. I've come full circle to my humble beginnings on the Matilija stage. I'm also finally at a stage in my life where I am ready for this. Ready to go after acting as a profession. As much as I thought I wanted it, I had other plans in my teens and 20s. I went to college, traveled, saw bands, traveled to see bands, and my social life was the most important thing and I lived it up. That's where I wanted to spend my energy and a lot of times acting felt like a chore and a burden and an obligation more so than something that I felt fulfilled by. I had moments of fulfillment but it was clouded by so much else clamoring for my attention. My priorities have shifted and acting has finally come into full view. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I would hate to have this huge, successful acting career at 23 and regret never having all the college and band experiences that I had. I'm ready for this next stage in my life and I now truly believe I am going to succeed. I'll succeed because I love what I do and I'm good at it. My goal is to have fun, tell great stories, and make people laugh. Not get famous and makes stacks of cash, though cashmoney is always nice, those are just perks of doing what you love. Because my intentions are pure I know I will succeed and that is incredibly exciting. I have the personality, the talent, the drive, the passion to finally make this happen. There really is no stopping me!

Working it all out

Inertia.

It can suck you down. It can keep you going. You may have heard it put thusly: an object at rest tends to stay at rest. An object in motion tends to stay in motion.

In case you don't believe in science, it's true.

You get into the habit of getting up and going to work every day. When you lose your job you get into the habit of getting up whenever the hell you feel like it. I apparently find it hard to motivate myself to do many things. It's far easier to stay at rest. There are so many things I can do at rest that I enjoy like reading and writing, watching movies, pondering life. But my ass isn't getting any smaller with the all the answers I may be gleaning from the universe.

Since I no longer find myself employed, and have yet to be blessed with any kind of steady income, it's time to look at the expenses I can cut back on. One of those things is my gym membership. Yes, it's no new story. People sign up for gym memberships and then never use them. I've been using the fact that I pay $30 a month for it to actually go but even that has ceased being a big motivating factor, sadly. The apartment complex I just moved into boasts a sparkling pool and a gym. I have already taken advantage of the sweet, sweet pool action and have already worked on my delicious Greek tan. That's right: I don't get sunburned. I wear an SPF 4 suntan lotion. I am a Greek Goddess. Now I have been burned. One day I spent four hours on the beach. Got a burn. Two summers ago I spent hours at the waterpark with my cousins and no sunscreen at all. Burned. And I believe I came away from cheerleading camp one year with a sunburn on my face. But really, that's it. Envy away.

People think that living in Arizona automatically means you're tan because of the amount of sun we get here. What people forget is that for 6-7 months out of the year it's over 100 degrees outside and ain't nobody gonna lay out in that. We spent a lot of time in the sweet AC of the indoors. So I have to slowly reacclimate myself to the sun. At the moment that's about 20 minutes on each side, or Let's All Go To Bed by The Mother Truckers from top to bottom. I will work my way up to 21st Century Breakdown by Green Day.

This afternoon I threw on my sweet new gym clothes, grabbed my apple green Nano & matching earphones and wandered over to check out the gym. It's a small room with one recumbent bike, two treadmills, two elliptical machines, and one all in one gym. You know what? Works for me. I've only been using the treadmill at the gym as, once again, it's too friggen hot to be roaming around outside. Those months have passed. The east and west walls of the gym are mirrored and the machines face a wall of windows. I didn't realize how much of a difference it makes to walk on the treadmill while looking outside. The time flew by. With the help of American Idiot by Green Day, of course. Far more interesting and entertaining than watching the back of other fat asses heads or sporting events I'm not interested in, or CNN. Christ. Can't we throw a movie on or something?

Another bonus of this small gym is the TV in the corner hooked up to a cable box. I didn't see a remote anywhere but even with my short legs I could probably reach the controls. Slap on the Deadliest Catch marathon and I am good to go, man. And yet another bonus of the space is that I had it all to myself. I could stand there and read the info on the wall about how to use the all in one machine without feeling like a tard or getting stared at or anything of that nature.

I walked over to the gym in less than one minute. It's right there. And it's free. I'm not paying an extra $30 a month for this badboy. The only downside is no access to trainers but really, I don't have the money for that anyway. Given the location and the price I have even less excuse for not getting off my ass and getting over there. I grew up an athlete. I have an athletes body. Muscle memory is on my side. Now I need to get out of my head, stop thinking everything to death and Just Do It.

Bo Jackson knew what the hell he was talking about.

Reflections

I think the cake caught up with me today.

I had cake for breakfast, cake and salad for lunch, and cake and rum for dinner. Two cocktails at the bar tonight while kicking some karaoke in the face. My tum is unhappy. I can't say I'm too surprised.

I had a great conversation with a dear friend of mine this evening. He called to tell me he got on a mainstage Harold team at IO in Hollywood, something he's been working toward for years now. We haven't talked in months so he asked me what was new and was hoping for good news. I realized that I had nothing good to say beyond the fact that I'm not dead. That's a good thing. I'm out of work, broke, painfully single, no longer have the social life I once did, bills are stacking up, no job prospects...really, all I have at the moment is my health, my cat, and a place to live.

We talked about relationships. He had just ended one and we talked about people and expectations and attitudes. He reminded me that people are very perceptive creatures and if you're walking around burdened by the wonky things in your life people are going to pick up on that. That does not exude confidence. And it's something most people don't usually realize they're doing.

I care too much what people think. I take things far too personally. I put all my eggs in one basket. I put too much stress on myself in potential relationships and most auditions; the things that are important to me. He told me you can't care. It doesn't matter what any one person thinks of you. If you lay your heart on the line to someone and they leave you hanging without an answer then to hell with them. So what? No one person is the be all, end all. You can't let that persons actions effect you. You can't let it hang over your head as I am want to do. I can't carry it with me.

He said people are just people. You ex isn't your ex, they're just a person. People can only take from you what you give away. Don't give them your power. It's something I knew I was doing I just didn't realize how. I treat past situations with far more gravity than they warrant. Some may call it being overdramatic, he calls it being passionate. He said I am a passionate lover who just wants to fall in love with someone and love them with everything I have. He's right. I let that stress me out. I become anxious and paranoid and lose my confidence. I let it mean all too much. And I usually don't make men earn it. I'm so eager to have that love and that relationship I have always wanted that I rush through things and don't make them earn it.

Alas, the older I get the more anxious I feel about being single. I don't think I would be as anxious if I was actually going on dates and had interest from interesting men. But I don't. Most of my friends are in relationships, and married and kids and blah blah blah. And I would much rather be single than be in the wrong relationship. It was very comforting for another single person to tell me that it's OK to not be concerned with being single and to just live life and work on yourself and fuck it. It will happen when it happens. It makes all the difference to hear that from someone who is in the same boat as you. From the relationship sect is just comes across as patronizing.

I'm not at my best at the moment. I'm depressed because I'm not doing what I want to with my life and I don't know how to get it. I don't know where I belong or what I should be doing. I don't know where to live. And I don't know how to figure it out. This is probably not a good time to get involved in a relationship.

I have a lot to think about now. How I think about my exes, about the decisions I've made, about my outlook on life, how I approach things, the company I keep, the things I want. I think there's an overhaul in my future. I feel like holing up in my new place and not leaving. Not unlike a caterpillar going into its cocoon. Cliches are cliches for a reason. I knew before I moved that something needed to change. That everything needed to change. It's time to become the person I've always wanted to be. The person I have projected to the world but never really lived up to on the inside. It's time to figure some shit out.

Worth it?

There are auditions tonight and tomorrow for a play this summer called The Curious Savage that will only run for three shows. Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Two months of rehearsal for three shows. I don't know if I like the sound of that. It's frustrating to put in all that work for only three shows. It reminds me of college.

And the theatre is through a church. I have no problem with churches or people who go to them, I just don't want to be preached about converting or joining or any of that jazz. I'm not a religious person and it's not a religious play. I'm just not sure how it all sits with me. I don't know how comfortable I am in churches. I've never spent a lot of time in them and have only ever been to one church service.

I don't know how the whole thing is sitting with me. I ordered the play off Amazon and read it. I like it and there are two or three characters that could be fun to play. It's not like there is a lot of other theatre going on right now as the summer is starting to gear up, companies start gearing down. Mid summer I'll start working on the scripts for the fall theatre season.

It could be fun. I'm out of work right now and it's been a while since I've been on stage. And I may not even get cast. I'm a good actress but I'm not always right for the part. I'm a character actress and enjoy comedies. Drama is not my strong suit or what I really enjoy. These characters are funny and this play is a good one, though a bit dated. This theatre company looks like they do plays from the 50s, which this one is.

Auditioning is always a good thing. Keep yourself sharp, keep yourself on your toes, keep yourself in the game, keep yourself in front of people. It's a cold read audition which are always interesting. And, once again, the call backs are on a night I am supposed to go on a double date. Ain't that the way.

Assumptions & Inuendos

I have a huge rack.

Big McLarge Huge. All real, all me, thanks Mom & Dad, thanks God & nature.

I don't know what it is about having large breasts that makes strangers think they can make certain comments to me like, "You have huge boobs!" Or really, any kind of sexual inuendo. Maybe it's breasts of any kind that make people (men) talk about them. I don't know. Mine have been at least a D since I was 18 so I've been dealing with this for a while now.

And more than the comments it's the assumption and insinuation that because I have huge boobs I must be a slut, easy, get around, hook up with guys all the time. This is the utmost in falacies. In other words, WRONG. How does the size of my chest give anyone any kind of indication of my interaction with men? Yes, I may recieve a lot of typically unwated attention from men because of them that doesn't mean I am boning every dude that talks to me because of them. It's obsurd to think otherwise.

I am highly selective. Highly. I don't hook up with guys. I don't do one-night stands. I don't make out with random guys. If I'm touching you, consider yourself lucky. If I'm making out with you, consider yourself quite special. If I'm naked in bed with you consider yourself blessed. If I'm dating you? Son, you won the jackpot. Now I don't say that to be cocky. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I simply know I'm rad. I am awesome. Everyone should think of themselves as awesome and a catch. I am one of those people. And I don't let just anyone touch me let alone see me sans clothes, let alone date me.

I also don't understand the connection between a large chest and the assumption that the owner is void of intellect. AKA DUMB. I mean, maybe I do, when you see so many women running around with huge, fake tits and they don't seem to have a lot going on upstairs. I didn't buy these, motherfucker, and don't insult me by asking if they're real upon first meeting me. I don't appreciate being pegged by a stereotype I don't resemble in the least. I know it's human nature I just wish that people would be less jackassy. It's insulting.

I also have this problem when I tell people I'm an actress. They say, "Oh" as if they already have me pegged. You don't. When I tell people I'm an actor they correct me: "You mean actress." Do you call a female doctor a doctorette? No. You don't. Once, when I got the "Oh" response from a man I told I was an actress, I went on to say I have a Bachelors Degree in Philosophy and he honestly said to me, "Oh, so you're smart?" Wow. Yeah. Thanks, assface. It's as if people stop listening to me after they hear the word "actress". They ignore anything else I may say or do. Again, stereotypes fall into play here. People must think "flaky, dramatic, stripper, bimbo" when they hear "actress". Funny, that's not what I think when I look at actresses like Kate Winslet, Kate Blanchet, Meryl Streep...

The ultimate combo of having huge boobs and being an actress is everyone thinks I do porn. At a bar in Santa Barbara one night I told an older man who was hitting on me that I was a movie extra. He said, "X rated movies?" First of all, when was the last time you saw an extra in a porn? Second of all NO! I DON'T DO PORN! Just because I have huge boobs doesn't mean I do porn! Jesus! I have a Bachelors Degree in theatre! I've been on stage for 20 years! I've done movies and extra work! I READ BOOKS!!!

I've had people tell me maybe I shouldn't tell people I'm an actress, or I should leave that out of online profiles and the like. I say bullshit. This is who I am and if people, or men, can't handle the fact that I like to act then they can walk on by. I'm not your typical actress, either. And if, in looking at my online profile or actually talking to me, someone's going to dismiss me and everything else about me because I'm an actress then screw 'em. I don't need 'em. I'm not stupid enough to confuse what I do with who I am.

Act, think, dream, live. Hoist those tatas high and keep shunning the nonbelievers.

Ms. Banana's Broke-Ass Fund

That's right people. I'm broke.

I was laid off a month ago and am trying to squeak by on unemployment while looking for work. I find there aren't a lot of job listings for "Philosophers". There are jobs for actors but they typically don't pay. Damn me for majoring in the two subjects I hold most dear.

The things I love to do don't pay a lot of cash-money unless you become spectacular at them. Art, acting, writing, things entertainment and creativity related. I'm working towards them but have not yet reached mad cash making levels. Nor does working at a bookstore pay a lot, though it was my favorite job.

I'm compiling my artly goods for sale on the interwebs, as well as starting a new kick-ass blog on being kick-ass poor, shortly. In the meantime I gots mad bills to pay every month: rent, car insurance, braces, credit cards, and I have to keep my personal health insurance going because of my sweet, sweet eye disease. That is a lot of cash-money there, friends.

I don't feed on caviar but I do have champagne dreams. And with your kind help I can make them a reality. If you have extra cash-money lying around and would like to help a fellow struggling human, feel free to donate to my worthy cause by clicking the handy button below. It never hurts to ask.

So Damn Close

Hey Niki,

I just wanted to personally thank you for coming out and auditioning for
PHAEDRE. I thought you did a wonderful job and I asked around about
you and other directors had WONDERFUL things to say about you.

I just wanted to let you know that your availability was a huge factor in
my decision making, and although there were other considerations, I
was really impressed with your audition and look forward to seeing you
at future ones!
Thanks again,

Damon Dering



I feel so stupid. I am so kicking myself. Fucking stupid. I think it's fantastic that he took the time to personally email me and had such glowing things to say and I'm glad it wasn't my acting that stood in the way of me getting this part. I just never thought something like going to Vegas would be the deciding factor in whether or not I got cast. What I SHOULD have done was written "tentative plans" or "flexible". If it's not a wedding I'm IN or something like that it shouldn't stand in the way of being in a show. Where are my priorities? Do I want to do this seriously or not? This should come before anything else. If this was the kick in the ass I needed to finally really get my priorities straight then I surely have it now.

The other thing is this is a workshop production to prepare it for full production next season which starts this fall. I could audition and get in the full production, which would be bigger and better. My BFF Mitch was relieved I didn't get cast as he doesn't think me being topless on stage would be good for me. Eh. All the shows would be sold out, but it's not like it would be vulgar nudity, the part is the Greek Goddess of Love. C'mon. I think itwould have been very artistic and I would have learned a lot from the experience. Hopefully I still can. I'm just feeling really stupid right now. To lose out on a part because of something so dumb is frustrating. At least I don't suck. =)

It's all Greek to me!

From February 25, 2009

I had an audition last night and I kicked the fucking shit out of it! It was great. Everything just came together.

Damon, the director of Nearly Naked Theatre, is writing an adaptation of this play called Phaedra. He has two versions he's trying to meld together: one is written in antiquated english and the other is in modern english. (But not Modern English) We auditioned with the antiquated english script which is written a lot like Shakespeare. It's about a Greek queen named Phaedra who is in love with her husband Theseus's son Hippolytus. The son is in love with a Greek princess names Aricia, who has been imprisioned by Theseus, and is the rightful heir to the throne of Athens. Theseus has been missing for 6 months and is presumed dead. That means Aricia is now free. Aricia has a best friend named Ismene who is her link to the outside world and tells her of the king's death and also that Hippolytus is in love with her. Aricia doesn't believer he because the prince seems to be violently against women but he confesses his love to her in the next scene. Thinking her husband is dead, Phaedra tells her step-son she's got the hots for him and he gets freaked out by it. And on and on. It's good stuff.

He sent out the sides in an email yesterday and I printed them out & read them over. I also was lucky enough to find the Cliff's Notes on the play online so I studied those as well. Knowing what the play is about helps alot in deciphering the sides and giving a better audition.

When I got there of course everyone else there knew each other and were hugging and talking and it really made me hate theatre people. It's fucking annoying all the insider shit. Of course I'm on the outside of it, so it's annoying, but I hope I'm not that annoying to other people. It really does alienate people.

There were 7 women and 2 men at this audition. I think there were auditions on Sunday, one of the women there had read before, and was pretty good. It was funny to watch the other auditions. He sent the 3 of us younger women outside to read over a scene together and we took turns reading the parts of Aricia and Ismene. This one girl was just NOT good. Right after she read for him he told her she could leave. Not a good sign for her. You're out. She was bad. So was this other older woman. The girl I read my scene with was a very tall, very thin, very pale, very blonde woman. It worked out very well though, as she really liked the part of Aricia and I really liked the part of Ismene, so that's what we read. I had to explain what the play and the scene was about to her but I had my shit down. It all came together for me in explaining the scene to her and what the characters were doing...I got that Ismene was excited about the news of the death of the king and Aricia's pending freedom and the news that the prince loved her, and Aricia didn't believe any of it. I also have a knack for the language it was written in and being able to get the idea across so the audience would get it.

Damon really liked what I did and asked me if I would be comfortable being topless on stage. The best friend part doubles as Aphrodite and the goddess would be topless. I said sure. It's not vulgar or lewd, it's a Aphrodite the Goddess of Love. I'm all about it.

He had the both of us women read two different scene with Aricia and Hippolytus, had us all stand back to back to each other to check our heights, and then we were done. I don't feel the part of Aricia as much as the part of Ismene but I could do it given time and rehearsal. Either way, I hope I get one of the parts.

The cool thing about this production is it's a workshop production. Damon is writing the script so the purpose of this is to prepare it for full production in their next season which will start in the fall. This production will be lightly produced which means essentially less money spent. There will only be 6 shows, and there will be a Q&A with the audience before and after each show to find out what they feel worked and what didn't, so we as a group can improve the script. It would be a really fantastic project to get involved in. It's really creating theatre. And Nearly Naked Theatre is one of THE theatres in town to work with. It would be incredible exposure for me as an actor as everyone who's anyone comes to see NNT shows.

He's got more auditions on Thursday and then he's going to make a decision so I hope I get in!

Saint Valentine's Day Noir

From February 16, 2009

Valentine's Day was quite fantastic.

I took a trip to San Francisco for the book release party for San Fransico Noir 2: The Classics, a collection of noir short stories, one of which is penned by Mr. Craig Clevneger. Craig intended to spend the afternoon writing but we ended up talking for hours and then watching a really obscure and fantastic British TV show from the early 90s. Awesome. We went looking for food and ended up at this tiny cafe that serves crepes. I've never had a crepe with anything but Nutella, and only from a street vendor in Paris. I had no idea there was such a variety. I had one with smoked turkey, cheese and cranberries. Wow. So damn good.

We gussied up and walked down the couple of blocks to the Ha-Ra Club and it was packed. Tiny, but packed, with a jazz saxaphonist playing. The bartender was very W.C. Fields and a complete character. Craig had some friends there already and 3 of us ordered drinks and when the bartender brought them over he said, "I hope you all get the clap." Oh my God, we were rolling on the floor. He told another guy at the other end of the bar, "I'll get to you in a day or two." Priceless.

The evening started out a bit slow and there were times I felt like I was at a class lecture and the room was just silent. Craig seemed a bit nervous as he didn't warm up and prepare the way he usually does and he was worried that the audience was already comatose. I told him not to worry, his work was great and he has a great voice and is entertaining and egaging and he will be fabulous. The host started to introduce him and as he made his way to the mic one of the other authors, a tall bald former PI who has tea cup poodles and is a total riot, came right over and said to me, "You have excellent taste in men." Damn straight.

His reading was fantastic. The audience laughed and he made jokes and they were riveted. The story, The Numbers Game, is fucked up but in such a great way and very noir. Which is a good thing as it's a noir collection. His name is on the front cover next to Jack London and Mark Twain. Not bad company. Or Bad Company. At one point I yelled for some Free Bird. He recieved thunderous applause and yells and when the readings were over he made his rounds signing copies and shaking hands and meeting fans new and old. A little troupe of us walked back up the street to Route 101 and had cocktails and laughed and had delicious conversation. I felt like I knew these people for years the way we all just hit it off, and I recieved many demands to move to the city. Our glasses clinked on through the night.

(This reel missing)

In the morning we sat and talked and played with the kitties Ralph and George until one, and we meandered down the street to have lunch at Tommy's. So much food, so good, so cozy. Then Craig took me to City Lights Bookstore. OhmyGodOhmyGodohmyGod. Be still my Beating heart. Three floors. The kid behind the counter had been the kid behind the table selling the anthology the night before. We wandered the store and he picked up three copies of the anthology, one which was for me. We spent my last few hours next door at Vesuvio which was THE Beat bar, and had a very Tombstoney feel to me, and drank and talked and talked and talked as the rain poured down and into the window next to us on the second floor.

George - "had eyes the color of a gas flame and this unwavering, blinkless blue stare, like he could bend metal with his mind."

Ralph - "was a leaden stump of orange fur. I never saw Ralph move from his spot on Skinner's balcony, not once, but I never saw the same pile of feathers beside him either.

San Fran is one hell of a town. When I told my dad Craig lives in the Tenderloin he said, "Oh my GOD. How many guns does he own?" It's probably not the safest part of town, it's true. But it was bustling and full of creative people. It rained all day yesterday and kicking it at the airport was awesome. My flight was delayed almost 4 hours. I truly miss the pre-911 days when friends could see you all the way to the gate. We could have hung out for a few more hours. Thank God the plane showed up earlier than expected. I still got in at around 1:30 this morning. At least I'm more than half way through Steve Martin's autobiography now. Sky Mall catalouge. Bonus! I'm looking forward to another trip to the city.

Happy Valentine's Day to you, darlin'!

And this little piggy went weeeeee all the way home!

From January 27, 2009

Mother puss bucket.

I broke my pinky toe. How lame is that? I dropped the corner of a 28 pound plastic bucket of cat litter on my pinky toe. That's even more lame.

And you know what? It fucking hurts. I thought I was fine and had just hurt it but not anything as severe as broke it. Well I hobble corrected. The bonus of this kind of injury is there is nothing I can do about it. I taped it to it's neighbor and put ice on it. I have vicodin lying around that I can't take at work because it might make me slip into a dreamy heaven. That's it. That's all you can do. I've got my sweet gangster lean going on as I gimp around. This is bullshit. Pure bullshit.

I hope Jameson is happy he has clean litter to poo in.

When you care enough to give the very best

From December 11, 2008

and it just isn't enough.

For six months I have been studying the one female part in this play I finally got to audition for. I had that shit down. Down. I've read the play over and over and had all the little nuances down. I wanted that part so bad. So bad. I knew that was a bad sign. You can't want the part that much, you only set yourself up for failure. You have to go in to an audition wanting to have the best audition possible. I rocked the audition. Then I got a callback. Awesome. I went in there and tore the stage up. I waited all day long for a call confirming and not an email denying. No calls and no emails. I checked my email around 12:45 last night and there it was. It was a very sweet email about how difficult the decision was and how much he enjoys watching me perform but it still said I didn't get the part.

I probably could have put in 2 weeks of work and gotten the same result. Jaren was right. It has nothing to do with hard work, it's luck and who you know. Unfortunately I know & have worked with this director before so there goes that theory.

I know it's nothing personal. I know he just found someone who better portrayed his vision of what this character should be and/or had better chemistry with the other lead. There was only one female part and after six hours of auditions he only called back five women. I'm glad I got called back but damn it, I wanted this fucking part.

I haven't been on stage in so long and I fantasized about getting this lead role with one of the best theatre companies in town, having all my friends come out, even getting my parents to come out for it, finally being back on stage in a great play, getting my name and face out there and it leading to other wonderful opportunities. God, I wanted that.

Most of the audition notices since I moved back here are for musicals. First, I'm not a singer. Second, I'm not in high school anymore. Then there are the plays or films that only need men or 45 & older women. Contrary to popular belief, I am none of those things.

I did the best I could do. I don't know what more I could have given. It's really hard when your best just isn't good enough. I'm just really pissed and really hurt I didn't get this part. The play was even written by my high school english teacher's big shot playwrite brother. Acting is about rejection and what I've learned is that it never gets easier. Sometimes it makes you wonder if you should shitcan the whole idea. God, I don't want to be average.

I've got the blues. The mean, lowdown, dirty, should-have-moved-to-LA, how-can-I-ride-Laurent-from-Twlight's-coattails blues.

The Young and The Nutless

From November 18, 2008I got my little Face fixed on Thursday. I still feel bad.

I know it's best for him but it was horrible to take him in and see him be so scared and shaking. And to top it off his carrier is pink. I'm a horrible mom. The doc said he was very handsome and in excellent health. Jameson played nice and never made a sound. After sticking a thermometer in his pooper the doc took him by the scruff of his neck and put him in the kennel to wait his turn under the knife.

I didn't even recognize him when I picked him up. They brought him out in his carrier and his eyes were so wide and his ears were set in a weird way and he just look drugged and terrified. I got him home and set him down on the floor and opened the door to his carrier. He hung out in there a while, his head bobbing and weaving, bumping into the sides, and eventually made his way out. He kept falling down and rolling over. He would sniff my hand but wouldn't let me pet him. He was sniffing around and trying to check things out and was making his way across the kitchen floor. I was following him and he had this terrified look in his eyes as he kept falling down and rolling over and desperately trying to get across the floor and away from me. It was heartbreaking.

He made his way into his poo box but couldn't figure out how to turn around in it. He stumbled like a lush all over the house, eventually getting the strength back in his back legs. I don't think he had any idea where he was or what was going on. Luckily though, this only lasted for about an hour and a half. Then it was as if he had never had surgery that morning. He was running around, playing on his scratchy, even picked up a toy and played with it. Ate some, and just wouldn't sit still, constantly roving and checking things out.

That night he sat in the kitchen and catterwhauled. This concerned me as he is not a meower. I had given him his pain medication in some milk earlier in the evening and he had crawled up on my chest and conked out like a lead weight. I got out of bed and picked him up out of the kitchen and put him on my bed and he ran right back in the kitchen to howl. His tiny little barbaric yawp.

He's much more mellow now and much more affectionate which is slightly frightening because he was already very lovey. The moment I sit down he runs over and jumps in my lap and rubs his head on my face. He's turned into much more of a person. He tries to have conversations with me. He dragged his leopard print string on a stick over to me, as he's want to do, and jumped up on the footstool with it and lait cross the cushion and looked at me. He then reached out his paw, touched my foot, and gave a small meow. Yes my little Face, I will play with you.

He understands No and he understands Treat. What he doesn't understand is Get Off the Counter! He curls up my my face at night and talks to me. He likes hang out in the bathroom while I take a shower, and sit on the sink to watch me put my makeup on. He is always at my heels. His nuts aren't completely gone and I'm sure they'll fill back out. I now understand what it's like for my parents to watch me go into surgery.

Jameson is doing swell now. Eating, playing, being adorable. And snoozing the day away.

Brace Face

From October 15, 2008


I got braces put on my teeth on Monday afternoon. I'm basically a glutton for punishment. Can I blame the drugs? My ridiculous sense of being a Wonder Woman? My hard and fast independent streak? Or pure ignorance?

After all I've been through in the past 2 weeks I seriously sat down in that chair and had them cement brackets to my teeth. I started to panic when they put all that shit in my mouth that keeps your tongue and lips out of the way. It was almost like I felt claustrophobic, like I was in the MRI machine again. I almost said yeah, I can't do this. Laying back on the chair I forgot how to breathe. My tongue slid back against my throat and I forgot I had control over it. My tonsils were so fucking huge that there is a lot of extra room back there now. When I drink something it still feels like it wants to come out of my nose. I didn't think it would be this much adjustment, or any kind of adjustment, really. Live and learn.

So I fought through my paranoia and survived. It only took about an hour. I opted for the "clear" bracket braces. I saw a girl at a play recently and standing 5 feet from her I could hardly tell she had them, so I figure from stage it would be practically impossible. I was surprised when I went in for my consultation to learn that the Invisilign, which I originally wanted, was $1300 more than regular braces, would take longer and would less effective. So I opted for your old school braces and for the past two days I have been regretting it.

I broke down yesterday afternoon. I have just had way too much drama in my mouth-hole for the past two weeks and I hadn't cried since the first vommiting experience. It was all just too much. I probably should have waited a few weeks until I was more back to normal than to rush and get them on now, but I was thinking long term and the sooner I get them on the sooner I can get them off. I had been warned of the pain involved but I guess I didn't believe it. Last night my teeth were simply throbbing and, oddly enough, itching. I could feel the roots simply itching in my face. I've worn sores on my cheeks and I can't bite down all the way. When I did, my front teeth were hitting the brackets on my bottom teeth so they put this cement on the bottom of two of my molars, one on each side, to prevent that from happening. How I'm ever supposed to chew again is beyond me. I broke down and bought Anbesol last night and thank the fucking lord I did. Sweet, sweet numbness.

I'm on the liquid diet. Naked Juice protien drinks, Carnation Instant Breakfast, soups, baby food, humus, and the shit-ton if ice cream I have left over. I have only had water, Gatorade, and ice tea for the past 2 weeks. No soda and no alcohol. I'm hoping the lack of binge drinking will show up on the scale. The vicodin still running through my system has put a damper on my hunger, as well as the pain in my teeth. It seems to have subsided today, thank God. I was freaking out on Monday night thinking this was a horrible mistake and I never should have done it. I'm just tired of feeling jacked-up and in pain and uncomfortable and angry. I need a vacation from my illnesses.

I always wanted braces but they were something we couldn't afford. I was also afraid that boys wouldn't like me. So good idea Niki, wait until you're 30. I didn't have a boyfriend in high school, I should have just gotten it over with then. I've also never had that big of a problem with my teeth. It's not like I'm a snagglepuss... "Exit stage left even!" But I thought having straight teeth would be nice and I found a great deal and I should only have these for a little less than a year and a half. I just wonder if, when I'm done, I'll start looking skeptically at my nose. Eh, I doubt it.

And speaking of being single, feel free to set me up with awesome guys you may know. I'm a catch, damn it! I just don't get asked out. I don't know if I intimidate the shit out of guys or what the deal is but I'm rad and I would like an equally rad gentleman friend. Help a sista out, wouldya?!

We thank you for your support.