So I was arrested yesterday.

Yeah. Good times.

Nick and I are on our way to Paul & Janene's when I get pulled over for speeding. I do 75 at all times so this doesn't surprise me. What does surprise me is when the cop asks me to exit my vehicle and begins handcuffing me.

Awesome.

Won't even tell me what the fuck is going on until he's done cuffing me. Apparently I had a warrent out for my arrest regarding a missed court date for a traffic ticket. My court date must have coinsided with getting laid off and that's why I spaced it. Stellar.

So I'm cuffed and frisked by the side of the fucking freeway. Not embarassing at all. I'm put in the back of the squad car. This is when I realize how claustrophobic it is back there, especially with my hands behind my back, and try hard not to freak out. The cop brings me my cell phone so I can call someone to come pick up my car, which is almost out of gas, and, oh yeah, my passenger is legally blind. He cuffs my hands in front of me and while doing so says something about me not trying to escape while he does so. I'm like yeah, right. I'm in heels, on gravel, by the side of the fucking freeway, probably gonna run off somewhere. So I call Jodi, praying to God she and Jason are home, and thankfully they are. Nothing like your friends seeing you in cuffs.

Then I have to wait in the car for some Tempe cop to come get me to take me to the Tempe jail. Sweet. It's not hot or anything. And with my hands cuffed behind my back I am incabable of wiping my forehead off so sweat is dripping into my eyes, stinging and blinding me. Awesome. The cop finally shows up and apparently needs to frisk me as well, all by the side of the fucking freeway. "Is there anything in your bra?" "Just me." Outstanding. We get to the jail and they feel the need to frisk me yet again. It's a feel-Niki-up free-for-all.

They take my ring, my earrings and my hair tie. Fantastic. They put me in a holding cell. Eventually they bring me out to fingerprint me. Awesome. They don't use ink anymore. I didn't know that. There's a glass pane that scans your prints. This whole time I'm honestly finding this whole experience fancinating. I'm thinking, so this is what it's like to be arrested. Sweet. This is what it's like to be handcuffed. (In a non-sexual way). There go my fucking plans to rob a bank. Fuck! Now that they have my prints that solution to my debt problem is out the window. Great. After the fingerprinting they hand me a blanket and are ready to take me back to the holding cell, intending to keep me overnight. I don't think so. I explain to them that the cop said my fine was $350 and that I could pay that and leave. They say to me, well you didn't tell us that. Oh, excuse me! I don't do this every fucking day. I'm kinda new here. I foolishly assumed that you cops fucking talked to each other and told each other this pertinent fucking shit. So yeah, FYI, I was told I could pay the fucking bail and be on my merry way. So they put me back in the holding cell while they sort themselves out. Meanwhile I'm in there with some poor girl who needed two grand to get out otherwise she's there till Tuesday (not the band) and gets fired from her job. I had heard her on the phone with her family earlier and thanked God I wasn't her.

They ran my credit card, put me in yet another holding cell, and eventually gave me back my shit, and I was free to leave. All in all, the whole ordeal took about three hours. I called Jodi to come pick my ass up, broke the news to my adoring parents, since their credit card saved the day, got a chuckle from Chuck, my good friend the cop in Santa Barbara, and a call back from my BFF Mitch: "Jailbird!".

Jodi and I proceeded to Macayos where I drank the largest forzen margarita they could make, and then continued my inebriation with Vigo at Gordon Biersch (two Mojitos), Fat Tuesdays (Pirates Pleasure), and Bison Witches (three Skyy Citrus and tonics). I settled the evening with a Lumberjack Slam at Denny's and now I have a sleepy Jameson at my feet on my coffee table.

It's good to be on the outside again. I almost forgot what freedom was like. Does the air still smell as clean? Is the Pacific still as blue? Things have changed since I've been in the clink. I hope I can readjust to the outside world.

*Auntie "Jailbird" Niki