Reflections

I think the cake caught up with me today.

I had cake for breakfast, cake and salad for lunch, and cake and rum for dinner. Two cocktails at the bar tonight while kicking some karaoke in the face. My tum is unhappy. I can't say I'm too surprised.

I had a great conversation with a dear friend of mine this evening. He called to tell me he got on a mainstage Harold team at IO in Hollywood, something he's been working toward for years now. We haven't talked in months so he asked me what was new and was hoping for good news. I realized that I had nothing good to say beyond the fact that I'm not dead. That's a good thing. I'm out of work, broke, painfully single, no longer have the social life I once did, bills are stacking up, no job prospects...really, all I have at the moment is my health, my cat, and a place to live.

We talked about relationships. He had just ended one and we talked about people and expectations and attitudes. He reminded me that people are very perceptive creatures and if you're walking around burdened by the wonky things in your life people are going to pick up on that. That does not exude confidence. And it's something most people don't usually realize they're doing.

I care too much what people think. I take things far too personally. I put all my eggs in one basket. I put too much stress on myself in potential relationships and most auditions; the things that are important to me. He told me you can't care. It doesn't matter what any one person thinks of you. If you lay your heart on the line to someone and they leave you hanging without an answer then to hell with them. So what? No one person is the be all, end all. You can't let that persons actions effect you. You can't let it hang over your head as I am want to do. I can't carry it with me.

He said people are just people. You ex isn't your ex, they're just a person. People can only take from you what you give away. Don't give them your power. It's something I knew I was doing I just didn't realize how. I treat past situations with far more gravity than they warrant. Some may call it being overdramatic, he calls it being passionate. He said I am a passionate lover who just wants to fall in love with someone and love them with everything I have. He's right. I let that stress me out. I become anxious and paranoid and lose my confidence. I let it mean all too much. And I usually don't make men earn it. I'm so eager to have that love and that relationship I have always wanted that I rush through things and don't make them earn it.

Alas, the older I get the more anxious I feel about being single. I don't think I would be as anxious if I was actually going on dates and had interest from interesting men. But I don't. Most of my friends are in relationships, and married and kids and blah blah blah. And I would much rather be single than be in the wrong relationship. It was very comforting for another single person to tell me that it's OK to not be concerned with being single and to just live life and work on yourself and fuck it. It will happen when it happens. It makes all the difference to hear that from someone who is in the same boat as you. From the relationship sect is just comes across as patronizing.

I'm not at my best at the moment. I'm depressed because I'm not doing what I want to with my life and I don't know how to get it. I don't know where I belong or what I should be doing. I don't know where to live. And I don't know how to figure it out. This is probably not a good time to get involved in a relationship.

I have a lot to think about now. How I think about my exes, about the decisions I've made, about my outlook on life, how I approach things, the company I keep, the things I want. I think there's an overhaul in my future. I feel like holing up in my new place and not leaving. Not unlike a caterpillar going into its cocoon. Cliches are cliches for a reason. I knew before I moved that something needed to change. That everything needed to change. It's time to become the person I've always wanted to be. The person I have projected to the world but never really lived up to on the inside. It's time to figure some shit out.

Assumptions & Inuendos

I have a huge rack.

Big McLarge Huge. All real, all me, thanks Mom & Dad, thanks God & nature.

I don't know what it is about having large breasts that makes strangers think they can make certain comments to me like, "You have huge boobs!" Or really, any kind of sexual inuendo. Maybe it's breasts of any kind that make people (men) talk about them. I don't know. Mine have been at least a D since I was 18 so I've been dealing with this for a while now.

And more than the comments it's the assumption and insinuation that because I have huge boobs I must be a slut, easy, get around, hook up with guys all the time. This is the utmost in falacies. In other words, WRONG. How does the size of my chest give anyone any kind of indication of my interaction with men? Yes, I may recieve a lot of typically unwated attention from men because of them that doesn't mean I am boning every dude that talks to me because of them. It's obsurd to think otherwise.

I am highly selective. Highly. I don't hook up with guys. I don't do one-night stands. I don't make out with random guys. If I'm touching you, consider yourself lucky. If I'm making out with you, consider yourself quite special. If I'm naked in bed with you consider yourself blessed. If I'm dating you? Son, you won the jackpot. Now I don't say that to be cocky. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I simply know I'm rad. I am awesome. Everyone should think of themselves as awesome and a catch. I am one of those people. And I don't let just anyone touch me let alone see me sans clothes, let alone date me.

I also don't understand the connection between a large chest and the assumption that the owner is void of intellect. AKA DUMB. I mean, maybe I do, when you see so many women running around with huge, fake tits and they don't seem to have a lot going on upstairs. I didn't buy these, motherfucker, and don't insult me by asking if they're real upon first meeting me. I don't appreciate being pegged by a stereotype I don't resemble in the least. I know it's human nature I just wish that people would be less jackassy. It's insulting.

I also have this problem when I tell people I'm an actress. They say, "Oh" as if they already have me pegged. You don't. When I tell people I'm an actor they correct me: "You mean actress." Do you call a female doctor a doctorette? No. You don't. Once, when I got the "Oh" response from a man I told I was an actress, I went on to say I have a Bachelors Degree in Philosophy and he honestly said to me, "Oh, so you're smart?" Wow. Yeah. Thanks, assface. It's as if people stop listening to me after they hear the word "actress". They ignore anything else I may say or do. Again, stereotypes fall into play here. People must think "flaky, dramatic, stripper, bimbo" when they hear "actress". Funny, that's not what I think when I look at actresses like Kate Winslet, Kate Blanchet, Meryl Streep...

The ultimate combo of having huge boobs and being an actress is everyone thinks I do porn. At a bar in Santa Barbara one night I told an older man who was hitting on me that I was a movie extra. He said, "X rated movies?" First of all, when was the last time you saw an extra in a porn? Second of all NO! I DON'T DO PORN! Just because I have huge boobs doesn't mean I do porn! Jesus! I have a Bachelors Degree in theatre! I've been on stage for 20 years! I've done movies and extra work! I READ BOOKS!!!

I've had people tell me maybe I shouldn't tell people I'm an actress, or I should leave that out of online profiles and the like. I say bullshit. This is who I am and if people, or men, can't handle the fact that I like to act then they can walk on by. I'm not your typical actress, either. And if, in looking at my online profile or actually talking to me, someone's going to dismiss me and everything else about me because I'm an actress then screw 'em. I don't need 'em. I'm not stupid enough to confuse what I do with who I am.

Act, think, dream, live. Hoist those tatas high and keep shunning the nonbelievers.