And so it goes

It's 2:40 am but I don't want to go to bed.

So much going through my mind. When I think back about what I have to thank for my state of mind it all comes back to the drugs. Thank God for drugs. Sometimes you just need a little help. There's nothing wrong with that and fuck anyone who says otherwise. Fuck them and their poor, normal lives.

I've spent a lot of this week drunk. I didn't plan for it to be that way. It's just one of those weeks. Karaoke on Monday night turned into an unexpected drunkfest. I met a hot young thing at Last Exit and then a severly hot former lover walked in and flirted with me for an hour and then a hot possibly soon-to-be-lover walked in. When it rains it pours, and I've been living in a drought. My heart is aching for something just out of reach.

Tuesday was a "date" with the hot-young-thang. Little boys are still really into bar hopping. Why leave the bar we're already at? It's a brewry for chrissake. Jesus. He just knows nothing about anything and by anything I mean life and I don't feel like spending my time playing teacher.

Wednesday I spent with a former lover of mine drinking cerveza, enoying the pool, and watching some fantastic Showtime shows. Alas, this evening left me wanting. I think Thursday was a dry day and, funny enough, a day when I most needed a drink. Today found me at happy hour at Four Peaks with some good friends and some wicked strong beer on an empty stomach. Also cameos by both my ex boyfriends. Exactly. I spent the rest of the evening drinking my cousin Ryan's wine with Jodi and Jason and then capped off my night at Last Exit with a SoCo and Cran. I didn't want to leave the bar either but I had no right spending any money there at all. I just thought I would pop in and see what a Friday night is like there now that the ownership has changed. Yeah, not that good. Sometimes you just don't want the night to end. In my case it was not wanting to go back to my empty apartment I've been holed up in because it's too fucking hot to go outside.

I don't want to sleep until one but I have nothing to get up for. My room is a stye, my heart is bruised, and my wallet is empty. Ain't life grand.

Assumptions & Inuendos

I have a huge rack.

Big McLarge Huge. All real, all me, thanks Mom & Dad, thanks God & nature.

I don't know what it is about having large breasts that makes strangers think they can make certain comments to me like, "You have huge boobs!" Or really, any kind of sexual inuendo. Maybe it's breasts of any kind that make people (men) talk about them. I don't know. Mine have been at least a D since I was 18 so I've been dealing with this for a while now.

And more than the comments it's the assumption and insinuation that because I have huge boobs I must be a slut, easy, get around, hook up with guys all the time. This is the utmost in falacies. In other words, WRONG. How does the size of my chest give anyone any kind of indication of my interaction with men? Yes, I may recieve a lot of typically unwated attention from men because of them that doesn't mean I am boning every dude that talks to me because of them. It's obsurd to think otherwise.

I am highly selective. Highly. I don't hook up with guys. I don't do one-night stands. I don't make out with random guys. If I'm touching you, consider yourself lucky. If I'm making out with you, consider yourself quite special. If I'm naked in bed with you consider yourself blessed. If I'm dating you? Son, you won the jackpot. Now I don't say that to be cocky. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I simply know I'm rad. I am awesome. Everyone should think of themselves as awesome and a catch. I am one of those people. And I don't let just anyone touch me let alone see me sans clothes, let alone date me.

I also don't understand the connection between a large chest and the assumption that the owner is void of intellect. AKA DUMB. I mean, maybe I do, when you see so many women running around with huge, fake tits and they don't seem to have a lot going on upstairs. I didn't buy these, motherfucker, and don't insult me by asking if they're real upon first meeting me. I don't appreciate being pegged by a stereotype I don't resemble in the least. I know it's human nature I just wish that people would be less jackassy. It's insulting.

I also have this problem when I tell people I'm an actress. They say, "Oh" as if they already have me pegged. You don't. When I tell people I'm an actor they correct me: "You mean actress." Do you call a female doctor a doctorette? No. You don't. Once, when I got the "Oh" response from a man I told I was an actress, I went on to say I have a Bachelors Degree in Philosophy and he honestly said to me, "Oh, so you're smart?" Wow. Yeah. Thanks, assface. It's as if people stop listening to me after they hear the word "actress". They ignore anything else I may say or do. Again, stereotypes fall into play here. People must think "flaky, dramatic, stripper, bimbo" when they hear "actress". Funny, that's not what I think when I look at actresses like Kate Winslet, Kate Blanchet, Meryl Streep...

The ultimate combo of having huge boobs and being an actress is everyone thinks I do porn. At a bar in Santa Barbara one night I told an older man who was hitting on me that I was a movie extra. He said, "X rated movies?" First of all, when was the last time you saw an extra in a porn? Second of all NO! I DON'T DO PORN! Just because I have huge boobs doesn't mean I do porn! Jesus! I have a Bachelors Degree in theatre! I've been on stage for 20 years! I've done movies and extra work! I READ BOOKS!!!

I've had people tell me maybe I shouldn't tell people I'm an actress, or I should leave that out of online profiles and the like. I say bullshit. This is who I am and if people, or men, can't handle the fact that I like to act then they can walk on by. I'm not your typical actress, either. And if, in looking at my online profile or actually talking to me, someone's going to dismiss me and everything else about me because I'm an actress then screw 'em. I don't need 'em. I'm not stupid enough to confuse what I do with who I am.

Act, think, dream, live. Hoist those tatas high and keep shunning the nonbelievers.